We heard Death’s voice today
As It whispered in our ears
Another friend has gone away
Just as we had feared
We felt Death’s hand today
As It rested upon our shoulders
The crushing pain has come again
Put upon us like a boulder
We said goodbye to Death today
As It called Baxter’s name
His paws clicked as he walked away
And with his brothers, he’s gone to play
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RIP Baxter (04/14/2020). You were a good friend to my sister and my mom. You kept a piece of our grandparents with us. You reminded us of Dodger and Jasper before they passed. You were a sweetheart who played the part of cantankerous a**hole and still you were loved for it. You will be missed and your place can never be taken. Have fun in your healed body and say hi to Jasper and Dodger for us.
September 30th
A family gene
that jumped over her
#Charm
She couldn’t
Not with a filthy mouth
or dirty mind
Honesty in every word
She couldn’t
Not with a fearful heart
or dark soul
Her pain wishing to spill
Her family
#Charmed
Friends from foe
Neighbour
Stranger
But not her.
October 1st
My #identity is pasted on plastic cards
With a name
My height
My birth date
My address
But I am more
than a shitty picture
and basic details.
I have a voice
A face under my mask
Paper and Plastic
don’t define me.
October 2nd
#Trust is another thing
that rusts.
Breaks like a chain.
Nobody’s mistake.
October 3rd
This sword is sharp
Meant to cut
Render flesh
Into ribbons
Draw blood
With a jab
It’s thin
Like my #patience
Worn down
By quick words
And quicker stabs
Perhaps it’s best
I wield a wooden weapon
At least
Until I’ve proven
My #patience is stronger
My lips sealed
October 4th
Like a sun inside
The light fades
And #dims to darkness
Hides behind frowns
Forgets how
To even smile
She tries to rekindle
Reignite the flame
But the wick remains
Unburnt
The lighter flashes
To life yet drains away
And she remains
#dimmed
The voice in my head is telling me I’ve wasted two years on a dream that will never come true. I had a book idea and I ran with it. I didn’t fight hard enough for it though.
More and more, my husband seems to get mad that I’m not working on my book. That I’m not bringing in any money. That I’m just ‘lounging’ around the house.
It doesn’t matter that I clean the house top to bottom by myself. I weed the gardens and mow the lawn and whippersnip, by myself. I feed the cats and dogs day and night by myself. I do the laundry, by myself. I make the appointments for both of us. Keep a running list of things. Try to be the voice of reason more often than not. (I will admit he helps on occasion, but not near enough…)
I wish I was bringing in money. I wish I had fought harder for my book. It feels like the only choice is to abandon it entirely. It’s not what I want, but I always put everyone else ahead of me.
But then that leaves me with a blog and a twitter account that serve no real purpose anymore, right?
So, I’ve applied to part-time jobs in the mean time. I’ve started freelance transcribing again for Rev. I’ve created a Ko-Fi account in hopes of some additional help so that I can keep writing.
I want to keep writing, I really do, but this voice tells me there’s no point anymore. If I was really passionate about it, I’d be somewhere other than editing, right?
Anyways, that’s the end, (I think), of my self-pitying post. I had to say it before it ate me alive though I still think it might.
https://ko-fi.com/kemwriting is the link to donate to my creative path. I’m sure after a decent cry, I’ll be up to fighting again…
Another Monday is upon us and it’s dreary where I am! The sun is still hiding and my desk isn’t calling to me, but we’re here nonetheless.
I don’t have much to say about my past week. Grammarly picked a fight and seems to be winning though I ignore it telling me to get rid of my ‘u’s. I am combing back through the first 25 chapters I edited to correct comma use with Grammarly’s help.
It’s my first book and I’m probably still trying to find my voice, but I think I’m getting there! *fingers crossed*
Anyways, here are my very short stories from the past week! Hope you enjoy!
July 16th
Her reservoir is deep, filled to the brim with tears unshed, and words left unsaid. Every day she sits, pen in hand, and #delves into its ink. In scrolling shapes, she spills it unto the white page to lessen its load, but the day calls her forward.
And it fills again.
July 17th
#Reputation is everything,
they say.
From your hair
to your clothes,
you better look
crisp and clean.
A smudge on your face
could destroy you.
Keep shut that pretty mouth
for silence is your friend.
Forget opinions
or willpower.
Subservience to the norm,
Master
July 18th
Eyes glanced over the mutilated plants of her vegetable garden. Leaves were decorated in holes made by insects and weather. Long stalks & stems lay mangled on the dirt. Their produce, half-eaten, was left to rot and decay amongst the yellowing life.
#Unlikely to recover.
July 19th
One peek outside Vivian’s brick and mortar cage was all she could remember of freedom. Kilometres of space met forest, all #verdant shades, and guards patrolled every inch.
In the classroom, his voice shattered the idea of grass on her toes, “Vivian, are you listening?”
July 20th
She longed to #fly alongside the birds and forsake the Earth for clouds. A palace made of fluffiness and her crown jewelled with rain. She’d rule with kindness and love in her mind’s world.
The grass soft against her back but her mind soared with the winged creatures.
July 21st
The library #stacks were coated in dust, thick and displeasing. Rows of lines were traced by fingertips on book spines and footsteps marred the floor. She followed them, desperate for another human. A thud echoed in the distance and she raced towards it to find blue eyes.
July 22nd
#Elsewhere
I wish to be
Free from doubts
And failure
Elsewhere
I wish to be
With certain goals
Achieved
Elsewhere
I wish to be
In a new home
And energy
Elsewhere
I wish to be
At my desk
Instead
Elsewhere
I wish to be
In health
and serenity
Elsewhere
I wish to be
…
I don’t know what to write.
Ringing fills my ears
And my voice is a faint whisper.
Words vanish as I reach for them
Thoughts die in vain
And all I want is to fill this page.
Light a candle, say a prayer
Maybe someone out there
Will send me something to say.
Sorry for this crappy poem
But this bug has made my body
Its vile home.
Robbed of health, I cannot write.
Here’s hoping tomorrow
This will be set right.
It is a daunting task to be complete master over your work. Both its creator and editor and in some ways, its ultimate judge. We are our worst critics and this goes to whatever we produce.
The trick? Don’t feed that voice too much, because it will keep you frozen and you won’t move forward. It makes you think avoiding doing anything is the best choice and to follow the herd instead of yourself.
But tell the mother *&%$&* to shut up! Do what you need to do. At the end of the day, there is always that process of editing, erasing, replacing words, lines, colours. If it isn’t quite right, because YOU think so, you can fix that (or recruit someone to help if needs be).
It’s tedious, but I like finding, removing, and replacing words in my book. It adds, it changes, it evolves as a result of this process. The same way a painter, a sketcher, or a knitter build in layers, so too must a writer.
First, it starts with creation. Get it on a page, good or bad. It may feel like shit at points, but it is better to work with something than nothing. Kind of like trying to make a baked potato, but without heat. You get it on a page and then you apply heat to cook in the form of editing, revising, rereading (out loud to test flow). You get feedback and you use it grow your book, mold it into the final product.
And today that is what I have been doing (despite a late start and seemingly complete disregard for my self-created schedule). I am apply some more heat to my book by finding new words (creating new details, sentences, etc), and removing words that don’t work or do what I need them to do. The words I remove are sometimes replaced which I have a lot of fun with (just don’t try and brainstorm with me or I’ll lose the thread!).
I have only gotten two chapters done in this stage of cooking today, but I’m hoping to get five more done before I gotta make dinner and do laundry (the fun stuff, right?). I had to add some content, because of one of the changes and I enjoyed it.
Got my tunes going, my bottle of water in reach, and fingers not yet tired from scrolling/typing!
Hope today is full of productivity (if you want it to be)!
I don’t sit there waiting for that perfect, beautiful sentence, because I know I’m going to sit there forever. So, as I tell students -start out by tripping, why don’t you? Then get up and fall over again. Just as long as you go. ~ Kathryn Harrison
P.S. New song find of the day on Spotify for me:
Down by the Water by Amy Macdonald
{Below awaits my attempt at the Quatern style poem. Hope you enjoy!)
Stand tall despite the fear and hate
And drop their sharp blades from your hands
Pick up the pen, and write again
Fill the pages with scrolling lines
Work with the light of day and night
Stand tall despite the fear and hate
Quiet the doubts swirling inside
Break free the bars that cage your might
Your tale needs telling, use your voice
Others will listen, given the choice
Stand tall despite the fear and hate
Use it to fuel your writing craze
It is a daunting task you’ve set
One many will never have met
Success awaits the effort, and
Stand tall despite the fear and hate
I am tired.
Tired of carrying the house’s chores.
My husband’s constant need for backrubs.
I am tired .
Tired of figuring out dinner night after night.
My dogs’ inane need to whine every morning.
I am tired.
Tired of feeling worthless, hung out to dry.
My siblings’ hateful gaze when I speak.
I am tired.
Tired of feeling alone, pulling myself up.
My inner mind’s dark, dark voice.
I am tired.
Tired of sleeping in, depressed.
My dream’s constant hold on me.
I am tired.
Tired of carrying everyone’s problems alongside my own.
My need to please all those around me.
I am tired.
Tired of throwing myself to the side.
My desire to put everyone else before me.
I am tired.
Why doesn’t anyone see that?
Why doesn’t anyone help?
Why doesn’t anyone lend a kind word?
It is the start of a new year, and I felt I should share some things. Make myself accountable to myself and the eyes of others.
To start with, I shared my book with a few individuals, and I am waiting on one to finish the last twelve chapters before getting her notes. I have received very good feedback, and believe most of it will improve my book. They definitely will add more thrills to the story line, and chances to connect with the characters. *fingers crossed*
I have to say it is great to be writing on here everyday (almost), and working more on my manuscript. Also, picking up books, and actually reading the amount I used to has been great too. I hope to query more literary agents in 2019 while both writing and reading to grow myself and my ‘craft’. Over the past few weeks, I have accumulated a variety of works by different authors to challenge myself in that regard.
January is always an interesting month for me, I find. Not only is it the changing of the year and the beginning of new dawns, but it is also my birth month. I will be turning 27 in eighteen days, and I have struggled with my age for a few years now. Growing baby pressure (from family and myself), a need to move from the house my husband and I have outgrown, and the fact that I feel I am stepping backwards in life make it tough to think “age is just a number.”
However, I am GOING to change that thinking this year. Too often I let the voices of others outweigh my own, and it isn’t fair to me or to them. They don’t get to see who I truly am, and I torture myself to fit their molds. I may be loud, boisterous, and absolutely abnormal, but there is nothing wrong with that or me. I may be crude, overly honest, and share too much about myself (before I get to know you), but that is who I am. I am not going to be ashamed or apologize for it anymore.
This year, I am going to fight for a healthy me, in mind, spirit, and body. I am going to continue pursuing my dreams of being a writer, and make it happen. This is the time to put energy towards projects, and make them a reality! I have no one to blame, but myself if it doesn’t come true, after all.
I know plenty of people are posting this kind of ‘shit’, but it is a way to air out the old and grasp the new we want for ourselves. Rejoice in who you are now, and make the changes you need to to be happy. That is what we owe ourselves and those who spend time with us. Denying our truths not only denies others our true spirits, but an amazing freedom we all have the right to experience in our lives.
So, to be one of those people, here is the sum of my resolutions for 2019:
I know resolutions can be cheesy, and many die before the end of January, but this year is gonna be my bitch! (To put it bluntly). There’s a fire in me, and I am fanning the flames, and keeping it burning!
I hope this year is everything you want/need it to be! Remember, treat yourself and others kindly!
Just write everyday of your life. Read intensely. Then see what happens. Most of my friends who are put on that diet have very pleasant careers. ~ Ray Bradbury
P.S. I am going to be listening to High Hopes by Panic! at the Disco on my rougher days to keep myself inspired. Any songs you think would benefit me on low energy, depressing, or just tragic days, share them! I will also takes motivating/inspire/truthful quotes, too!
Kember's Journey 