The voice in my head is telling me I’ve wasted two years on a dream that will never come true. I had a book idea and I ran with it. I didn’t fight hard enough for it though.
More and more, my husband seems to get mad that I’m not working on my book. That I’m not bringing in any money. That I’m just ‘lounging’ around the house.
It doesn’t matter that I clean the house top to bottom by myself. I weed the gardens and mow the lawn and whippersnip, by myself. I feed the cats and dogs day and night by myself. I do the laundry, by myself. I make the appointments for both of us. Keep a running list of things. Try to be the voice of reason more often than not. (I will admit he helps on occasion, but not near enough…)
I wish I was bringing in money. I wish I had fought harder for my book. It feels like the only choice is to abandon it entirely. It’s not what I want, but I always put everyone else ahead of me.
But then that leaves me with a blog and a twitter account that serve no real purpose anymore, right?
So, I’ve applied to part-time jobs in the mean time. I’ve started freelance transcribing again for Rev. I’ve created a Ko-Fi account in hopes of some additional help so that I can keep writing.
I want to keep writing, I really do, but this voice tells me there’s no point anymore. If I was really passionate about it, I’d be somewhere other than editing, right?
Anyways, that’s the end, (I think), of my self-pitying post. I had to say it before it ate me alive though I still think it might.
https://ko-fi.com/kemwriting is the link to donate to my creative path. I’m sure after a decent cry, I’ll be up to fighting again…
I have betrayed myself
Again.
Forsaken my goals
Again.
Keep writing, my heart whispers
Onward, evermore.
Achieve the dream of your soul
Onward, evermore.
Yet doubt like vines grasp my mind
Crippling will.
Holds my fingers still on the keyboard
Crippling will.
The light comes out another day
I will wait.
Fights my darkness from all sides
I will wait.
I can’t believe how much I have done since 5 am! Cleaned my house from top to bottom (I will admit to tidying last night), and I shoveled my driveway and my neighbour’s. Now, I have time to play!
My sister asked me if she could come over and hang out for a little bit and I obviously agreed (part of why I felt the need to clean). She will be here around 11:30am(ish) after an interview for a new job. I’ll be playing hostess until about 2:30pm when I will take her to school and pick her up at 5:30pm.
As I have said in previous posts, I am not someone with a lot (or any) friends. I’d love that to change, but as it stands, my family and husband is all I got. Thus I love the fact my sister reached out to me. There has always been an invitation to message her and hang, but with her in university, I feel guilty stealing any of her time. She has friends and a boyfriend (who seems to be good for her), and those are who she spends her free time with when not studying or working weekends.
Since I spend 80% of my time alone, it will be nice to have some fun talk time! I will have to keep from starting arguments though. It’s my curse how easy I can start a fight and without ever meaning to. I’m hoping she’ll enjoy the time away from our parents’ place and the argument zone it can be from time to time.
This is probably the best part of being an older sibling. I get to provide a (kind of) safe place away from home. We all have gone through those times where we wanted nothing more than to run away from our parents. It doesn’t always have anything to do with them and their treatment of us; just a need for free space and independence.
Anyways I’m going to take a boiling hot shower, scrub myself clean, and relax until she gets here! Take care of yourselves!
I’m wondering
If you can save me from myself
Because I’m drowning
And the dark Abyss looks so
Tempting.
Will I see in this black pit of despair?
The night time air calms me
Lulls me into a state of
Security.
And then I see you
In my mind’s eye.
A Rock
A Safe Place.
I fight against the waters
Thick like Spider’s webbing
Around my limbs.
It pulls me down
Heavy, a weight unlike any other.
But you’re here, reaching out.
Your hands grip mine
And the water falls away
Safe and playful again.
You whisper in my ear
Quiet, and oh so loud
Reminding me of Promises
I made to myself.
Without you,
I’d be the wind’s toy,
Tossed amongst the trees
Only to be
Lost.
It’s time to find my own feet
And stand firm.
I know you are there for me
As I try to be for you.
We’ll catch each other
If we Fall
But for now
We stand in day’s light
Far from our Shadows.
And I would ask to die,
If only I knew
I wouldn’t be leaving you behind.
You’re the beat of my heart
My light in the dark
And the words you speak, so kind.
You’ve kept me up
When I would fall
And held my hand
When I wish to stall.
I hold you back
Yet you love me still.
I mar our lives
Yet you march us uphill.
Your quiet spirit
Pushes me forward
Though I struggle to see
Our future, it’s blurred.
I wish to die
To unburden you.
To let you live a life
You chose for yourself.
Instead, here I am
Filling our lives with strife.
You’ve kept us together
Keeping us strong
Taunting our demons
Inside us all along.
You’ve shielded me
And lifted the sword
But this battle is ours
Not just yours.
I will fight beside you
As I should’ve from the start.
Shake off this weakness
And finally take part.
Forever and Always
I vowed to you.
Thank you, my love.
She only wants a mirror.
To know who she is.
To know where she is going.
She’s lost.
She’s afraid,
And fighting feelings of hate.
She’s confused.
She’s weak,
And losing those she loves.
She’s hiding.
She’s searching,
And degrading what she finds.
She wonders,
About many things,
But dwells on how might feel to be whole.
She’s grabbing,
She’s grasping,
And holding on for straws.
Why can’t she find it?
Why can’t she believe what she finds?
Why is she weak?
She asks questions,
And hears only repetitions.
She needs to see, not hear.
She’s losing belief,
In what she has,
And it’s killing her inside.
She pretends,
She lies,
And she’s learning to die.
Her hands are empty,
Her knees are weak,
She’s not strong enough.
On Friday, my husband and I spent the evening at my parents with my sister, brother, and future sister-in-law. The typical turkey dinner was prepared, and gifts were exchanged by the Christmas tree. It was rather enjoyable, and I hope we can keep it up year after year.
My immediate family does not typically have time to get together like that around the holidays. My brother has a job which can require him to work all seven days of the week, and varying hours. His fiancée helps manage a retail store, and her hours range as a result. My sister is in university, and works part time on the weekend. My mom is always off Sundays, but can work Saturdays. My dad and my husband are usually off on the weekends, provided there’s no overtime or last minute work to do. (I have a ton of ‘free’ time, so I am never the issue for scheduling.)
Add that in with the dislike siblings have for each other, and magic just seems to happen, doesn’t it?
I have an amazing relationship with my sister though. We have ups and downs, but in general we get one another and don’t mind hanging out just the two of us. In fact we often help each other out in rougher situations. It is nice we got over that rough patch all siblings seem to have.
However my brother and I don’t have a great relationship as of yet. When they moved, I helped out. I lent them our fake Christmas tree and some lights to have some holiday joy in their house. I try my damnedest not to annoy him or send him on a war path. I slip up every now and then, but I try. He just doesn’t get me quite yet or doesn’t care. Hard to say.
While I am 5-6 years apart in age from my sister, I am only 1 year and 10 months apart from my brother. I am also the older one, and ultimately we ended up a grade apart through school. I believe the closeness of our age is one of the biggest reasons we don’t get along. His friends are around our age, and don’t mind me at all, too. (Doesn’t help that I am on the weirder side of the scale.)
Anyways I went into our immediate family’s Christmas full of anxiety about messing it up, and starting a fight by accident. Thankfully it didn’t happen, but if I tried to tease my brother or offer help, he became defensive. It was hard to enjoy all of us being together when he seemed to go for blood with his verbal attacks.
He tends to insult what I am doing with my life, (no respect for the arts), or my house (which I maintain almost entirely by myself). These are obviously sore spots for me since (like every other writer, I’m sure), I doubt my life choice from time to time, and struggle with the burden it puts on my husband. Plus, I was raised to care about how others perceive me, and to keep a super clean/maintained house on all fronts.
Thus his barbed comments sting, and I try to brush them off, but… Deep down, it kills me that he refuses to see the truth of things, or ignores it. He also doesn’t seem to care how our ‘fights’ hurt our parents. I am told one day it will change, but it sure feels like it won’t right now.
Anyways, I know every family has their struggles, and not everyone will always get along within one. Just remember to pick your battles, and the time and place where they will be. It can be tough, but it typically works out for the better.
I gave my brother a Christmas card with a personally note from me. I’ll admit it was passive aggressive, but I hope it is whittling down whatever his issues are with me bit by bit.
Twinkled stars,
Come out to play,
As the day,
Fades away.
A black shade,
Claims the sky,
Hides a lie,
We start to die.
And as we crash,
We dare to learn,
We dare to yearn,
Here we burn.
To darken paths,
To give new light,
To start a fight,
We fall tonight.
Kember's Journey 