Demon Dwellers

Demons live under my bed
Don’t you know?
They visit me in the night
 
They tickle my toes with their claws
Don’t you know?
And threaten to turn off the light
 
In the dark they took me home
Don’t you know?
I didn’t put up a fight
 
We torture and maim lost souls
Don’t you know?
And give them a proper fright
 
So keep your feet covered
Or don’t you know
They’ll be coming for you tonight
[Photo by Mohammad Metri on Unsplash]

Anxious Honesty

The voice in my head is telling me I’ve wasted two years on a dream that will never come true. I had a book idea and I ran with it. I didn’t fight hard enough for it though.

More and more, my husband seems to get mad that I’m not working on my book. That I’m not bringing in any money. That I’m just ‘lounging’ around the house.

It doesn’t matter that I clean the house top to bottom by myself. I weed the gardens and mow the lawn and whippersnip, by myself. I feed the cats and dogs day and night by myself. I do the laundry, by myself. I make the appointments for both of us. Keep a running list of things. Try to be the voice of reason more often than not. (I will admit he helps on occasion, but not near enough…)

I wish I was bringing in money. I wish I had fought harder for my book. It feels like the only choice is to abandon it entirely. It’s not what I want, but I always put everyone else ahead of me.

But then that leaves me with a blog and a twitter account that serve no real purpose anymore, right?

So, I’ve applied to part-time jobs in the mean time. I’ve started freelance transcribing again for Rev. I’ve created a Ko-Fi account in hopes of some additional help so that I can keep writing.

I want to keep writing, I really do, but this voice tells me there’s no point anymore. If I was really passionate about it, I’d be somewhere other than editing, right?

Anyways, that’s the end, (I think), of my self-pitying post. I had to say it before it ate me alive though I still think it might.

 

https://ko-fi.com/kemwriting is the link to donate to my creative path. I’m sure after a decent cry, I’ll be up to fighting again…

Mourning

She clasped her grandmother’s hand in hers,
stunned by the weakness and frailty
of the skinny fingers.
 
Machines beeped in the sanitary hospital room.
The words ‘Palliative Care’
Crisp on the walls.
 
A sob was wrenched from her mother’s throat
And she watched the first tear drop
Many would soon follow.
 
Wetness coated her own cheeks in silence
Unable to disrupt the mourning
Despite the life beside them.
 
That night her father came to get her from the dreary room
And her mother urged her to go and said,
“Grandma won’t pass if you’re here.”
 
She offered a weak smile, knowing her grandpa was there
In spirit for both her mom and grandma
And she walked away willingly.
 
In the middle of the night, she woke to heartbreak
And knew her grandma had left this world.
A happy soul now gone forever.
 
Cries echoed down the hallway when her mother returned
And she wiped away her own sorrows to put on her face.
A warrior’s mask to support her mom
And fight her demons with her.

Traitor

I have betrayed myself

Again.

Forsaken my goals

Again.

Keep writing, my heart whispers

Onward, evermore.

Achieve the dream of your soul

Onward, evermore.

 

Yet doubt like vines grasp my mind

Crippling will.

Holds my fingers still on the keyboard

Crippling will.

 

The light comes out another day

I will wait.

Fights my darkness from all sides

I will wait.

Time To Play!

I can’t believe how much I have done since 5 am! Cleaned my house from top to bottom (I will admit to tidying last night), and I shoveled my driveway and my neighbour’s. Now, I have time to play!

My sister asked me if she could come over and hang out for a little bit and I obviously agreed (part of why I felt the need to clean). She will be here around 11:30am(ish) after an interview for a new job. I’ll be playing hostess until about 2:30pm when I will take her to school and pick her up at 5:30pm.

As I have said in previous posts, I am not someone with a lot (or any) friends. I’d love that to change, but as it stands, my family and husband is all I got. Thus I love the fact my sister reached out to me. There has always been an invitation to message her and hang, but with her in university, I feel guilty stealing any of her time. She has friends and a boyfriend (who seems to be good for her), and those are who she spends her free time with when not studying or working weekends.

Since I spend 80% of my time alone, it will be nice to have some fun talk time! I will have to keep from starting arguments though. It’s my curse how easy I can start a fight and without ever meaning to. I’m hoping she’ll enjoy the time away from our parents’ place and the argument zone it can be from time to time.

This is probably the best part of being an older sibling. I get to provide a (kind of) safe place away from home. We all have gone through those times where we wanted nothing more than to run away from our parents. It doesn’t always have anything to do with them and their treatment of us; just a need for free space and independence.

Anyways I’m going to take a boiling hot shower, scrub myself clean, and relax until she gets here! Take care of yourselves!

 

True Promises

I’m wondering

If you can save me from myself

Because I’m drowning

And the dark Abyss looks so

Tempting.

Will I see in this black pit of despair?

 

The night time air calms me

Lulls me into a state of

Security.

And then I see you

In my mind’s eye.

A Rock

A Safe Place.

 

I fight against the waters

Thick like Spider’s webbing

Around my limbs.

It pulls me down

Heavy, a weight unlike any other.

 

But you’re here, reaching out.

Your hands grip mine

And the water falls away

Safe and playful again.

 

You whisper in my ear

Quiet, and oh so loud

Reminding me of Promises

I made to myself.

 

Without you,

I’d be the wind’s toy,

Tossed amongst the trees

Only to be

Lost.

 

It’s time to find my own feet

And stand firm.

I know you are there for me

As I try to be for you.

 

We’ll catch each other

If we Fall

But for now

We stand in day’s light

Far from our Shadows.

Strength

And I would ask to die,

If only I knew

I wouldn’t be leaving you behind.

You’re the beat of my heart

My light in the dark

And the words you speak, so kind.

 

You’ve kept me up

When I would fall

And held my hand

When I wish to stall.

I hold you back

Yet you love me still.

I mar our lives

Yet you march us uphill.

Your quiet spirit

Pushes me forward

Though I struggle to see

Our future, it’s blurred.

 

I wish to die

To unburden you.

To let you live a life

You chose for yourself.

Instead, here I am

Filling our lives with strife.

 

You’ve kept us together

Keeping us strong

Taunting our demons

Inside us all along.

You’ve shielded me

And lifted the sword

But this battle is ours

Not just yours.

I will fight beside you

As I should’ve from the start.

Shake off this weakness

And finally take part.

 

Forever and Always

I vowed to you.

Thank you, my love.