house

BraveWrite, Week 3

September 19th

She fears its gentle hands have found her again. It whispers in her ear all the things she shouldn’t to hear. The truth long gone, her heart long since battered, she welcomes the cold. It hollows her out. Vacant of emotion. It’s too late when she names it. #Depression

 

September 20th

In the state of #jejune, we were all consumed by our fables. We were a unique center whose storms were unlike any other. The Gods aimed for us, small and insignificant though we KNEW different. But then our eyes opened. We wore others’ shoes and heeded our empathy.

 

September 21st

Their trunks, china cabinet, and every nook and cranny served as a #cache for their precious items. The house seemed willing to burst at the seams with their collections. It was a glorified storage unit filled with the sentimental. She worried it would go up in flames

 

September 22nd

The world is full of the #esoteric. It haunts the realms of math and science. It teases everyone. But it belongs to the artists most of all. The ones who draw, paint, compose and write for themselves, hoping some will understand. They bare their hearts for acceptance.

 

September 23rd

Wanna know what I think? she asked all of a sudden.

What? His eyebrows raised above a curious gaze.

I think life is a marinade in which we all #marinate. It’s experiences, people, and choices are all the spices we added, She smiled and nudged him, Don’t you think?

 

September 24th

The clock chimed #twelve in the middle of the night and summoned the witch from her workings. Her feet bounced down the stairs, jostling the book she held in her arms.

Ah, there it is, she said while flipping through the aged pages. Clearing her throat, she began to recite.

 

September 25th

The abyss was #tempting, as always. It called to her in seductive whispers. It threaded its fingers into hers, holding her hand, pulling. Her shoulders drooped in defeat and matched the dark bags under her eyes. The image in the mirror wasn’t her so why continue?

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Fire’s Vengeance

Gas covered the wood
Its smell filthy in the air
And yet it welcomed Fire.
Strike a match, sulfur’s touch,
Floated through the sky.
 
Flames grew, running
Through predetermined paths
Climbing the wooden trellis
Amidst the clematis screams.
 
Its violent touch
Melted all in its path.
Plastic
Metal
And
Memories.
 
Burned away the evil
Hidden in this
Trinket filled home.
 
Smoke blocked windows
Yet the sights were clearer.
 
Fire clambered up the stairs
Followed the smell of alcohol
Like
a
Bloodhound.
 
The drunken shouts
Were masculine
As his victims urged Fire on
Imagining its red tongue
Licking his ankles,
Shredding his face.
 
Suffocating on emptiness
The man met his demise.
House turned to coal with him.
 
Fire’s Embers waited for the words
Before departing.
 
“Good Job.”

Hurt does Hurt

Hearts house many things
     Not all are fluffy dreams.
           Some are the darkest beings
                Demons dressed as sheep.
                      They dwell in broken children
                            Crying into the night.
 
       Answering prayers for vengeance
             Their darkness can only spread.
                    Bullies’ words are their weapons
                          Weighted like sharp boulders.
                                 Lashing out in violence
                                       These demons scar another’s life.
 
                  The blackest of evils
                        help those who cannot rise
                              Not with encouragement
                                    But knives dressed as lies.
                                         Sharpened by daily suffering
                                                They seek out their vicious prey.
 
If only kind words were cheap
           They might help save a life.
                        But hey, we’re only human
                                     And we all live in various strife.

Apologies

Hello! It’s been a while since I did a post. A lot longer than it should have been if I am honest. Shit happens though.

After spending most of April sick with various things, I’ve struggled to get back on top of things. My energy has been an all time low, and my moods have been wonky to boot, too. It wasn’t helped by the continually rainy weather, and the lack of time the day seems to hold. My growing to-do list was the final straw on this camel’s back.

So….

Today, Andrew and I cleaned the house from top to bottom. Fur covered everything as did dust, and dirty paw/foot prints, too. I guess that’s what happens when you drop the ball on cleaning, and your husband has no idea how to do it without you.

It got done though!

The slump I’ve been in is slowly dissipating, and getting the house all sorted was exactly what I needed to get back on top. However, I wouldn’t have been able to do it this weekend if my sister hadn’t helped me start working out again. Doing yoga every day, and holding each other accountable, has been the cherry on top. I’m sore from it, but progress is pain!

Tomorrow, we’ll be doing a few other things in the backyard in time for true spring/summer to arrive! Putting up some solar lights for ambience (and functionality so our dogs don’t get sprayed by skunks), and prepping the veggie garden. We’ll empty some of the pots of the old plants from last year since pick up of yard work stuff is this week.

The big thing I’m excited about though, is this Tuesday! My reader is done double checking my new sections of my book, and I can start editing/revising it again! YAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!

Full disclosure, she finished it last weekend, but multiple appointments for my mom, husband, and myself kept me from getting started on it. (Plus the aforementioned slump). But I’m starting it this week and I can’t wait!

Tonight, I’m treating myself to a girls’ night in with my mom, a friend, and my future sister-in-law! I might even have a true drink! Who knows?!

Anyways, I’m feeling more energetic, happy, and just in general better so hopefully I’ll be posting more!

Take care of yourselves!

Drained, Disappointed, But Here

Yesterday was an off day for me. I woke up feeling drained, and with a headache (for the fourth day in a row)! I had an appointment that threw off my day, and the freezing cold we have here right now wouldn’t let me bounce back.

Our house apparently needs new seals or something, because our windows have ice on the inside around the edges, and our back door has it gathering at its base. It might just be the fact that for the past couple days its been -35 degree C, or that our house hates us. (It is a running theme of something new every couple of months creating a new problem).

Yeah, yeah, it’s winter, and I love winter, but it is kicking my ass right now or so it feels. At least I haven’t had to shovel since Monday which has been nice.

Since yesterday was a bad day, I didn’t get any writing done at all. No blog post here or editing of my book. I have another appointment today that wrecks my day, but I’m hoping to get SOMETHING done.

I usually clean my house Fridays, top to bottom and every nook and cranny, but I might wait til Andrew gets home. We’ll do it after errands (fingers crossed), but who knows?

Anyways, yesterday’s word count was zero, and Wednesday’s word count was 1,095. Today, I’m honestly hoping to get a sentence out of myself. I tried to the other day, but nothing was coming to me.

 

Tired

I am tired.

Tired of carrying the house’s chores.

My husband’s constant need for backrubs.

I am tired .

Tired of figuring out dinner night after night.

My dogs’ inane need to whine every morning.

I am tired.

Tired of feeling worthless, hung out to dry.

My siblings’ hateful gaze when I speak.

I am tired.

Tired of feeling alone, pulling myself up.

My inner mind’s dark, dark voice.

I am tired.

Tired of sleeping in, depressed.

My dream’s constant hold on me.

I am tired.

Tired of carrying everyone’s problems alongside my own.

My need to please all those around me.

I am tired.

Tired of throwing myself to the side.

My desire to put everyone else before me.

I am tired.

Why doesn’t anyone see that?

Why doesn’t anyone help?

Why doesn’t anyone lend a kind word?

 

 

Family Time = Fight Time?

On Friday, my husband and I spent the evening at my parents with my sister, brother, and future sister-in-law. The typical turkey dinner was prepared, and gifts were exchanged by the Christmas tree. It was rather enjoyable, and I hope we can keep it up year after year.

My immediate family does not typically have time to get together like that around the holidays. My brother has a job which can require him to work all seven days of the week, and varying hours. His fiancée helps manage a retail store, and her hours range as a result. My sister is in university, and works part time on the weekend. My mom is always off Sundays, but can work Saturdays. My dad and my husband are usually off on the weekends, provided there’s no overtime or last minute work to do. (I have a ton of ‘free’ time, so I am never the issue for scheduling.)

Add that in with the dislike siblings have for each other, and magic just seems to happen, doesn’t it?

I have an amazing relationship with my sister though. We have ups and downs, but in general we get one another and don’t mind hanging out just the two of us. In fact we often help each other out in rougher situations. It is nice we got over that rough patch all siblings seem to have.

However my brother and I don’t have a great relationship as of yet. When they moved, I helped out. I lent them our fake Christmas tree and some lights to have some holiday joy in their house. I try my damnedest not to annoy him or send him on a war path. I slip up every now and then, but I try. He just doesn’t get me quite yet or doesn’t care. Hard to say.

While I am 5-6 years apart in age from my sister, I am only 1 year and 10 months apart from my brother. I am also the older one, and ultimately we ended up a grade apart through school. I believe the closeness of our age is one of the biggest reasons we don’t get along. His friends are around our age, and don’t mind me at all, too. (Doesn’t help that I am on the weirder side of the scale.)

Anyways I went into our immediate family’s Christmas full of anxiety about messing it up, and starting a fight by accident. Thankfully it didn’t happen, but if I tried to tease my brother or offer help, he became defensive. It was hard to enjoy all of us being together when he seemed to go for blood with his verbal attacks.

He tends to insult what I am doing with my life, (no respect for the arts), or my house (which I maintain almost entirely by myself). These are obviously sore spots for me since (like every other writer, I’m sure), I doubt my life choice from time to time, and struggle with the burden it puts on my husband. Plus, I was raised to care about how others perceive me, and to keep a super clean/maintained house on all fronts.

Thus his barbed comments sting, and I try to brush them off, but… Deep down, it kills me that he refuses to see the truth of things, or ignores it. He also doesn’t seem to care how our ‘fights’ hurt our parents. I am told one day it will change, but it sure feels like it won’t right now.

Anyways, I know every family has their struggles, and not everyone will always get along within one. Just remember to pick your battles, and the time and place where they will be. It can be tough, but it typically works out for the better.

I gave my brother a Christmas card with a personally note from me. I’ll admit it was passive aggressive, but I hope it is whittling down whatever his issues are with me bit by bit.