Dear Ryan,

      I wonder about you sometimes. We were childhood crushes, friends, the oddballs of our classes. We walked home together, every day, and hung out despite the weather’s goals. But then you moved away, and I didn’t hear from you for a solid year. We talked on and off after that; the periods in between growing more and more.

      Ever since then, I can’t help wonder about you and where you are in the world. Now and then I try to find you, but I always fail. You were troubled, had your issues in life, and I feel I’ve betrayed you. It worries me at times, to think something awful found you.

       You were my first love in life, and though we were only nine, ten, it felt real. I thought once we would be together forever, and yet the distance grew and grew. I did find another, years after we last spoke, and I couldn’t imagine life without him. I guess fate had different plans for us in the end.

       I hope you found that somewhere in your life. You deserve it after all. And I pray it took your darkness away, or at least, keeps it calm.

       The white teddy bear you gave me, I held on to for years. I kept it in the same box, and held it sadly from time to time. It reminded me of the first time I saw you, introduced to my fourth grade class. I think I wrote something to welcome you, but the memory is vague now. In fact, that time is only remembered in bits and pieces of silliness, but it still brings a smile to my face.

        Anyways, if this somehow finds you, please reach out. I would like to know you’re still okay, and that love found you, too.