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VSSPoem, Week 4

September 30th

A family gene

that jumped over her
#Charm
She couldn’t

Not with a filthy mouth

or dirty mind

Honesty in every word
She couldn’t

Not with a fearful heart

or dark soul

Her pain wishing to spill
Her family

#Charmed

Friends from foe

Neighbour

Stranger
But not her.

 

October 1st

My #identity is pasted on plastic cards

With a name

My height

My birth date

My address

But I am more

than a shitty picture

and basic details.

 

I have a voice

A face under my mask

 

Paper and Plastic

don’t define me.

 

October 2nd

#Trust is another thing

that rusts.

Breaks like a chain.

Nobody’s mistake.

 

October 3rd

This sword is sharp

Meant to cut

Render flesh

Into ribbons

Draw blood

With a jab

 

It’s thin

Like my #patience

Worn down

By quick words

And quicker stabs

 

Perhaps it’s best

I wield a wooden weapon

 

At least

Until I’ve proven

My #patience is stronger

My lips sealed

 

October 4th

Like a sun inside

The light fades

And #dims to darkness

Hides behind frowns

Forgets how

To even smile

She tries to rekindle

Reignite the flame

But the wick remains

Unburnt

The lighter flashes

To life yet drains away

And she remains

#dimmed

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VSSPoem, Week 1

Once again, it is a day later than I planned, but it’s for a good reason. I’ve actually been engaged in social activities with family members for once. This is very rare for me as I am that kind of loner who sits at home in front of the computer.

However, maybe this all is a sign of things to change. Maybe I will have a bit more of an adventure from the safe walls of my home. Who knows?

anyways, this is one of those new prompts I started doing over the past little bit. I hope you enjoy these very short poems!

 

September 5th

I long to #push past

these obstacles made of doubt

that sabotage me

 

September 6th

Her #shadow cast

by the evenin’ sun

was the giant

she wished

to be.

Its footsteps larger

than the nightmares

that came to call

in the night’s

dark hours.

She tried to remind

herself of that

tucked under

her covers

but

her fears grew

until they consumed her

once more.

 

September 7th

On swift wings

#Nightfall approached

Its pitch black feathers

fell in swarming shadows

and chased the light

in a playful game

 

A girl sighed

head rested on hand

in her windowsill

At peace in the dark

she moved to her desk

and lifted her pen

to write

 

September 8th

In the cold room

he relived memories

picking them apart

for the #omens

they contained

Will-o-wisps

seemed prevalent

dancing on the edge

of his life

but never touching it

 

He could recall

deaths in vivid detail

of friends and family

until he was alone

 

In the cold room

 

September 9th

Emotion is danger

too much

too little

tips a scale

both divine

and cruel

It can fill

the cup

to the brim

or evaporate

both host

and vessel

empty

 

Let go the

anger

hate

rage

jealousy

envy

they say

it causes damage

to your mind

wears it thin

with time

 

Teach me how then

 

September 10th

Waters #follow

the bends

curves

hills

of a land

marred

scarred

defaced

by human hands

 

Soon Fires #follow

the dried

leaves

trees

rooted in ground

unloved

forgotten

forsaken

by human hands

 

Then Deaths #follow

the lack of

food

water

on a barren Earth.

 

September 11th

Good and Bad

Happens in threes

The #Attraction

Forms the link

Like dominoes

 

Positive attracts positive

Negative attracts negative

 

It’s a cycle

And it will last

Longer

Than

Time

 

I say it’s a game

But then

I’m stuck

In the cycle of Threes

 

September 12th

Walk into the

#Shallows

Walk into the

Hollows

 

of your own

Heart and Soul

Take a gander

Take a stroll

The mucks and mires

are there to console.

 

Search through

Cracks

Follow the

Tracks

 

You’ve made them

Inspired them

Colluded with them

 

Walk into the

#Shallows

 

September 13th

Leaves spin and twirl

Like dreidels in the wind

Teased and taunted

By nature’s whim

 

Crisp flakes of snow

Kiss #green grass

Burying it in warmth

As time begins to pass

 

Seasons dance as long lost friends

Sharing the same tune

Until the world’s end

Bye-bye, Friend

We were best friends

Sisters of the Soul

And its death almost killed me.

 

You spread rumors, lies,

Told people I was a lesbian

Just to hurt me.

 

You watched my boyfriend slap me

In public. At a movie theatre.

And you’re friends with him now, not me.

 

You messaged me, to reunite,

And I replied, stupidly, with hope.

I tried to talk yet months passed, no word.

 

Then I knew it was dead, long gone.

I told you I was done, had to be.

I’m not keeping ‘friends’ that use me.

To An Old Friend

[Another piece of writing from a Prose challenge. It struck a cord with me today, and part of me wishes if will find him. However I doubt it will.]
Dear Ryan,
      I wonder about you sometimes. We were childhood crushes, friends, the oddballs of our classes. We walked home together, every day, and hung out despite the weather’s goals. But then you moved away, and I didn’t hear from you for a solid year. We talked on and off after that; the periods in between growing more and more.
      Ever since then, I can’t help wonder about you and where you are in the world. Now and then I try to find you, but I always fail. You were troubled, had your issues in life, and I feel I’ve betrayed you. It worries me at times, to think something awful found you.
       You were my first love in life, and though we were only nine, ten, it felt real. I thought once we would be together forever, and yet the distance grew and grew. I did find another, years after we last spoke, and I couldn’t imagine life without him. I guess fate had different plans for us in the end.
       I hope you found that somewhere in your life. You deserve it after all. And I pray it took your darkness away, or at least, keeps it calm.
       The white teddy bear you gave me, I held on to for years. I kept it in the same box, and held it sadly from time to time. It reminded me of the first time I saw you, introduced to my fourth grade class. I think I wrote something to welcome you, but the memory is vague now. In fact, that time is only remembered in bits and pieces of silliness, but it still brings a smile to my face.
        Anyways, if this somehow finds you, please reach out. I would like to know you’re still okay, and that love found you, too.
Fond Regards,
Kelsey E.

I Found Something Else

Today has been one of those days. Low energy, but restless.I decided to help my husband, Andrew, look for his old phone while he’s at work, and it has been a roller coaster ride for my emotions.

Our house is a bit of a storage zone. Every room has nooks and crannies that I have managed to make useful, but it’s becoming less and less effective. While we have done a huge purge of stuff, we still have a ton of ‘crap’ one of us or both of us refuse to part with.We collect Lego (Star Wars, Marvel Superheroes, Batman, etc), Star Wars items, and movies/TV shows. We are also huge fans of fireworks, and they take up a decent chunk of the garage. As individuals, he collects pig related stuff, and I have my Cherished Teddies collection.

Add in necessities, and you can imagine the warzone our house is when we need to find something.

Andrew has gone through the workshop, the garage, the small animal room, the office, our bedroom, front hall closet, kitchen, and laundry room to find his old phone. He has done this multiple times. I tinker here and there trying to help, but he gets so obsessively frantic, it puts me on edge. I can NEVER find something when I am on edge, so today, I decided to do it while he is out of the house.

I started with the workshop where I found two of his old, old phones, but not the most recently old phone (if that makes sense). I dug through some of the boxes in the office, and ripped through my trunks in our bedroom’s closet and some of his drawers. No luck.

Well, this is where the roller coaster starts for me.

After failing to find it, I decided to go through our many totes of Lego kits, Christmas village stuff, wedding stuff, and my Hallowe’en town stuff. (Side note: Hallowe’en is my FAVOURITE holiday, and the biggest reason I want to learn how to sew). Anyways, as I am rifling through these totes, I find wedding stuff.

To note in the wedding stuff I found

-the reading “These Hands” from our ceremony

-my maid of honour’s speech

-a motivational, loving book from my mom

Dumb ass that I am, I read “These Hands”, and it resonated with the life I wished for more than anything. Hands that loved and cared for me. Hands to hold me in the dark times. Hands that would hold our children. Hands that would help mine in keeping our family one.

I want children more than anything, a family with Andrew, but we just aren’t there in our lives. It sucks, because he will be 33 years old towards the end of this year, and I am going to be 27 in twelve days. It feels so old, and yet I know it isn’t. I know I have more time than not, but it feels like it is slipping away faster than I could have imagined. I know it will happen when it is meant to, but damned if I wish it would happen now.

Reading that bit of our vows though made me realize that a marriage, a life together, is very much like art. You have to work for it. Sometimes, there are mistakes that you can correct, and other times, you just push past it. Sometimes, what you think you are making is nothing like it, and you go with it to find something amazing, or you correct your path. I am very lucky to have Andrew in my life, willing to fight for our marriage, and help me make it all it can be. I wish I had of stopped reading the stuff I found after this, but I didn’t.

Dumb ass that I am, I read the speech, and it is beautiful. But it is over two years old, and it made me realize how much has changed between my maid of honour (my future sister-in-law now) and myself. She said we had become closer, had become friends in the speech, but that isn’t the truth anymore. I can’t tell you when it happened, but it happened.

One thing you need to know about me… I don’t really have friends. I have my parents, and I have my husband, and that is it. I don’t let people in as easily as I once did, because of the many betrayals I faced at the hands of so called friends. It killed me inside to read this beautiful speech, and realize the lie it had seemingly become. I don’t know how to change things with her, and I would if I did. I would love to have friends to do things with, but I have been shattered by past experiences, and am hesitant to let it happen again.

Thus, I bawled my eyes out in big, wailing cries. Once it was a small enough feeling to be bottled, I did, and continued on with the task at hand. That’s when I came across the book from my mom.

Dumb ass that I am, I read the book since it wasn’t long, and it was amazing. It is exactly what I needed to hear, and yet… it devastated me. It was about showing your true self to the world, how you’re beautiful no matter what, and amazing regardless of nay sayers. It is how I wish things were, for sure, but the constant feedback I have been given through life is that I am ‘too much’ of everything. I need to tone myself down, swear less, lose weight, lie…. All to have friends, and be liked. That never made sense to me. Shouldn’t people like you as you are?

Anyway, I took those notes and applied them to myself. I struggle with some, (like my volume and weight), but overall, when around my siblings or my in-laws or in public, I try to be that likable person who people want in their life. I don’t know if it is remotely working, (I do have two nephews who adore Andrew and me), but I don’t have friends asking me to hang out. I don’t have family, (outside of my mom and two nephews), asking to spend time with me.

I know that part of it is on me. I need to put myself out there, conquer my insecurities, and find people who like me for me. Join a sport, or club, or something. But it is amazingly, soul cripplingly tough for me. I see someone ugly in every way in the mirror. I dissect every interaction I have with other humans, and find myself lacking. I  had a New Year’s resolution to change that, but I am going to be honest, I have no idea where to start.

Sorry to ramble, but I felt the need to put it down on ‘paper’, to better reflect on it all. Maybe it is a sign that I don’t need to change, just push for my dreams, and fight for the things I want from life. Maybe it is a sign I desperately do need to change in some ways, to feel better and live better. Maybe it is a bit of both. Hopefully I figure it out sometime in the very near future.

In the meantime, any tips or tricks to help me out, or tales to relate to, would be amazing.

Thanks for reading this randomness!