2019: My Year of Change

It is the start of a new year, and I felt I should share some things. Make myself accountable to myself and the eyes of others.

To start with, I shared my book with a few individuals, and I am waiting on one to finish the last twelve chapters before getting her notes. I have received very good feedback, and believe most of it will improve my book. They definitely will add more thrills to the story line, and chances to connect with the characters. *fingers crossed*

I have to say it is great to be writing on here everyday (almost), and working more on my manuscript. Also, picking up books, and actually reading the amount I used to has been great too. I hope to query more literary agents in 2019 while both writing and reading to grow myself and my ‘craft’. Over the past few weeks, I have accumulated a variety of works by different authors to challenge myself in that regard.

January is always an interesting month for me, I find. Not only is it the changing of the year and the beginning of new dawns, but it is also my birth month. I will be turning 27 in eighteen days, and I have struggled with my age for a few years now. Growing baby pressure (from family and myself), a need to move from the house my husband and I have outgrown, and the fact that I feel I am stepping backwards in life make it tough to think “age is just a number.”

However, I am GOING to change that thinking this year. Too often I let the voices of others outweigh my own, and it isn’t fair to me or to them. They don’t get to see who I truly am, and I torture myself to fit their molds. I may be loud, boisterous, and absolutely abnormal, but there is nothing wrong with that or me. I may be crude, overly honest, and share too much about myself (before I get to know you), but that is who I am. I am not going to be ashamed or apologize for it anymore.

This year, I am going to fight for a healthy me, in mind, spirit, and body. I am going to continue pursuing my dreams of being a writer, and make it happen. This is the time to put energy towards projects, and make them a reality! I have no one to blame, but myself if it doesn’t come true, after all.

I know plenty of people are posting this kind of ‘shit’, but it is a way to air out the old and grasp the new we want for ourselves. Rejoice in who you are now, and make the changes you need to to be happy. That is what we owe ourselves and those who spend time with us. Denying our truths not only denies others our true spirits, but an amazing freedom we all have the right to experience in our lives.

So, to be one of those people, here is the sum of my resolutions for 2019:

  1. Eat better and exercise to become a happier, less negativity person
  2. Read more (outside the box), and write more (outside the box)
  3. Keep trying to get representation for my manuscript (also look into self publishing)
  4. Keep active on my blog, and learn from those on here
  5. Craft more too!

I know resolutions can be cheesy, and many die before the end of January, but this year is gonna be my bitch! (To put it bluntly). There’s a fire in me, and I am fanning the flames, and keeping it burning!

I hope this year is everything you want/need it to be! Remember, treat yourself and others kindly!

Just write everyday of your life. Read intensely. Then see what happens. Most of my friends who are put on that diet have very pleasant careers. ~ Ray Bradbury

 

P.S. I am going to be listening to High Hopes by Panic! at the Disco on my rougher days to keep myself inspired. Any songs you think would benefit me on low energy, depressing, or just tragic days, share them! I will also takes motivating/inspire/truthful quotes, too!

It’s Hard To Kill What’s True

It’s hard to kill what’s true.

It hides inside your soul,

Reaching forward for your heart.

It inspires passion,

Feeds the struggling fire

You secret from the world.

It turns on the light

You’re afraid to shine

The blinding brightness too much.

It’s hard to kill what’s true.

It screams when you refuse to listen,

pouts when you deny its truth.

It defends itself

Against your self deprecating lies.

It fights for its freedom

Its actualization in your mind.

You see

It’s hard to kill what’s true

Because the truth is…

You’re Amazing to Someone

Even if that someone

Isn’t you.

 

 

That Time of Year

Today, I spent the morning wrapping Christmas presents with my husband. It was fun, and all that, but stressful too. In the past, my wrapping skills have been… critiqued. I try my hardest, but it doesn’t translate into the gift, it seems.

My mom wraps with crisp edges, like a bloody pro, and tries to be gentle, but I know she sees how bad my wrapping is. My husband wraps like a pro, too, and he has tried to teach me, but it takes practice and patience.

But I struggle with not being perfect from the get go. I slowly let it get to me, that my wrapping sucks, and always will which means my negative inner voice is winning. It is tough to acknowledge that since my negative inner voice has sway over me ninety percent of the time. It makes simple things seem way more difficult, and makes me feel like a failure.

And like all things, it spirals out of control especially if I am alone. It turns into everything I hate about myself, and grows to include everything I think everyone hates about me, too. It is annoying, and it takes sooooo much effort to shut it down before then. So kudos to anyone else with that negative inner voice who manages to stuff it back in a box, and beat the snot out of it too!

Anyway, that trigger today was wrapping gifts, and the longer I sat taping and folding, the quicker it crept up on me. Eventually I was in tears, because how the heck can’t I get crisp frickin’ edges on a bloody box?!?

Thankfully my husband intervened, and stared me down. He finally said, “Your wrapping is fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

It was what I needed to beat my inner negative voice back into its cage, and say to myself, “Yeah, your wrapping may not be God’s gift to the world, but it was done with love and that’s all that matters! Plus… it is better than it used to be.”

Treat yourself with kindness this season, everyone! It is the effort that matters at the end of the day, and there is nothing wrong with falling. Friends and Family should take care of each other, and lend a hand when it is needed. Be it wrapping that is your downfall, or something else, YOU TRIED!

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation. ~ Herman Melville

 

 

 

Voices

My voice is quiet,

Folding in upon itself.

It hides from all those questions,

Spoken carelessly with snark.

 

You see, my life’s worthless.

The price tag reads zero,

Attempts to build it up again,

Remain shadows in the dark.

 

I have followed a dream,

Something others don’t quite get.

They flow with the growing tide,

Surrounded by regrets.

 

Outsiders, outliers, outspoken,

They call us,

We turned against the current,

Fought against fearful threats.

 

Our dreams called to us,

Bid us forward with such love.

Yet two steps forward, one step back,

Is what our lives become.

 

Strengthen your voice,

As I try to shout with mine.

There is no telling what might be,

When we embrace our own wisdom.

 

Resist the shackles,

The world wants to bind us with,

And sing your song.

There is always someone wanting to listen.

 

You may feel worthless,

You may be at your wit’s end,

But let me tell you,

We are all friends among friends.

When you’re a writer sometimes you have to spend time poking at a part of yourself that normal, sane people leave alone. ~Vikram Chandra

The Mysterious Script

I have finished the James Dashner series, The Maze Runner, and it has reminded me even more how writers create different worlds. They vary from creative time lines in normal reality, to completely unique universes, and I wonder how it comes to happen for each writer.

For my book, I had an idea, and I fleshed it out with characters and events, but still… it developed a mind of its own, and told me how it was going to go. Does that mean how I planned my novel went to the wayside entirely? No. It means how I got to point B from A had some added twists and turns to it.

Still, I don’t feel the level of planning I put into it  matches others like James Dashner or Suzanne Collins with the dystopia realms they created. Or George R.R. Martin. Or. J.K. Rowling. Or J.R. R. Tolkien. Or Jacqueline Carey. Or C.S. Lewis. And the list goes on and on.

Do they have a method, a level of organization that comes with practice? Does their ‘instinct’ or the book’s mind tell them what to do? Is a mixture of both? Or is it individualistic like their personal voices?

To be honest, I wish there was a concrete answer, and I guess practice will tell me which works best for me. Hopefully I will be able to create a captivating universe one day if my first book is indeed a flop (if it’s ever published *fingers crossed*).

The storytelling gift is innate: one has it or one doesn’t. But stile is at least partly a learned thing: one refines it by looking and listening and reading and practice- by work.  ~Donna Tartt

Claw Back

Here I am – again – sitting in my computer chair, and feeling the need to write something. Part of me screams it should be soul changing. Another shouts it should be real and personal. And yet another voice joins the choir, albeit quietly.

That quiet voice is the one I am listening to, at least today.

It tells me it doesn’t matter what I type as long as I am typing something. Whether it will grab an audience or connect with only me… It will serve its purpose in pushing me to write. That is all I can ask for right now.

Sadly, my energy does not meet the requirements of the other voices in my mind, and so that epic tale will wait for another day. However I am hoping to start posting my musings into the realm of poetry later this month, maybe alongside some attempts at short stories.

I would like to query more literary agents, but have added a few individuals into my test group, and will be waiting for their comments on my book. Maybe my manuscript needs another go with the fat trimmer and polisher. Time will tell on that score, and I will move forward from there. Then, perhaps, my inner guilt will slumber once more.

There is one person I must thank for the time being, and that is my husband. He has been very supportive of me and my dream. I just feel he is growing more and more impatient about it. Can’t say I blame him, but I am not ready to give up just yet, (or at all). I may struggle with my insecurities and doubts, and yet… there is some will and strength inside to grab onto tightly.

All of us have power, waiting to be turned on and utilized. Instead, maybe we all just need to flip the switch for ourselves?

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day: ‘I will try again tomorrow.’  ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

 

Time to Feed the Fire

Hello there!

I am new to this whole blogging thing, but I am sure I will figure it out with time. Fingers crossed! So let me explain why I am here doing this today…

On August 6th, 2017, I made a decision to leave my part time job, and pursue a dream of mine… Writing a book. I have always enjoyed putting words together, be it poems or other little things. there is a magic to creating word art (as I call it), and having it connect deeply with a reader. With that in mind, I put all my energy into the task, stumbled face first into my book idea, and began full force.

I wrote every day. Sometimes I sat at the computer for a couple hours, and other days… you couldn’t pull me from the keyboard at all! It was an ember I fanned into an all consuming flame, and with no doubt about it, too. I WANT(ED) this like nothing else in my life.

However, I stumbled. When I finished it, editing and all, little did I know the next step would be the most testing. It was time to find a literary agent willing to represent, and ultimately, fight for my book and I. While I am still on this step, and may have been too laid back when first encountering this obstacle, I will continue to fight to have my book represented, and eventually published.

This blog will be my way of putting wood back on the fire. I won’t always write about my endeavors with my manuscript, but I will write about something.

Wish me luck!

P.S. Please comment any books you felt captured you fully, or made a difference in your life. Part of becoming a better writer is becoming a better reader!

The more you read, the more you will write. The better the stuff you read, the better the stuff you will write. ~Annie Dillard