Writing

Life’s Demands

I am TIRED today, that’s for sure. The weekend was busy. My husband, Andrew, and I helped my brother and future sister-in-law set up their Stag and Doe on Saturday. We also helped with clean up at the end. It was about 2:30 am when sleep finally found us at home, tucked in tight, and it was a deep sleep.

After waking up around 11 am, still feeling strung out despite no alcohol or sugar or caffeine, I dragged Andrew to my parents’ to groom their one dog. He’s a little shih tzu, 13 years old, half blind, and tender from the ‘abuse’ of their younger husky mix 60 lb bully. He had a couple spots on his one ear that I could not touch and some matting. Not to mention a love of his personal bubble not being disrupted.

The real kicker about this dog is… He HATES being groomed despite having endured it for many, many, many years!

Baxter’s face is usually the worst to do, but I decided to put it first and he was decent for it. (To clarify, by worst, I mean he tries to eat my hands for touching his face). I switch my blades out on my clippers to keep them cool (plus using a coolant spray). I am gentle as can be when trimming mats out, and tidying up his butt and genital area.

Still, Baxter got me a couple good times on my holding hand (which is my left hand). My wrist is somewhat bruised as a result, and I will have to watch for infection on my one thumb where he actually drew blood. (The joys of bacteria).

I am not afraid of getting bit, I will admit. It was an eventuality when I worked in a grooming salon at PetSmart so I got over it. I only got bit a couple times there, and only once that was close to Baxter’s intensity.  I know he is going to be an ass about his grooming going in, and I still try lovey-dovey talk. I give him a few breaks, let him go potty outside (more than a lot of grooming places offer), and still he hates it/me.

Sometimes I wish dogs could understand us so that when I say “If you stand still, it’ll be over faster”, they might actually listen! My parents feel bad that he goes at me even though I reassure them it’s fine. I am pretty good at dodging, you know? But I think the real source of the problem, outside of his physical maladies, is I have an assertive energy and… he doesn’t like it. He’ll cuddle with me after a few visits when he’s forgotten the ‘trauma’ of the groom, but we play a game of avoidance us two.

Despite being tired from the grooming of Baxter and helping family out, I’m managing to find time to exercise (mainly with Xbox 360 Kinect’s aid), but my heart gets beating and I work up a sweat. I’m pretty happy about doing it, and hope I can keep it up. I’m also thinking it will help my productivity in other areas (like my book). Fingers crossed it does!

Plus, losing some weight can’t hurt me anymore than having the extra pounds does, right?

Anyways, better get back to work! Sadly, the elves don’t come at night and write my book for me! Take care of yourselves!

 

P.S. My brother and his future wife visited while I was grooming Baxter and it was actually a good interaction! No fighting, no bickering. It felt nice, and I gotta say… I’m feeling closer to my brother than I once did. The unprompted hug and thank you I got Saturday night doesn’t hurt either!

It Clicked!

Yesterday was the best day of writing I have had in a looooonnnngggggg time. I managed to get to 1,894 words! That’s equal to one chapter!

I will be honest though. It happened in a short span of time, early afternoon. The desk had not called to me and when I realized I was making excuses, I called myself on it.

“No, Kelsey,” I started in on my own lecture, “You’re not going to fumble about the kitchen until you’ve written for an hour, got it?”

And that forced my to the chair at my desk. What started as an hour, became two, and then three. At that point I needed a very late lunch and Andrew would be home in a few minutes. As much as I wanted to keep writing, I knew it was better not to push myself and burn out, but instead accomplish a few other things around the house.

Andrew was proud of what I managed to do, and thankfully, he help me clean the house this morning as a reward (or so I think). But yesterday, it finally clicked. My passion to truly write was back and I didn’t feel like I was forcing myself. It happened on its own and I didn’t even feel the time fly.

I am hoping to get some more writing done today, but I only do a little on the weekends so I can spend time with my husband. Plus, there’s the matter of my brother and my future sister-in-law’s Stag and Doe tonight!

There is going to be food and drink, and we recently committed to eating healthier. My husband can’t have alcohol thanks to his fatty liver and not long ago episode of pancreatitis. I choose not to drink alcohol, because of an uncle who based away from his addiction to the stuff. (I got really drunk once after his death and realized what I was feeling from its effects was what he had been looking for, too. Since then, don’t have more then 2-3 coolers in a year, if that).

The food will be another problem, too, since it will be all fatty, sugary shit. Andrew can’t have that stuff because of aforementioned pancreatitis and fatty liver. I can’t have it, because I’m sick of being heavy and unhappy. I’ve managed to get us exercising and we don’t really eat out much, but we do have larger portions of things we shouldn’t.

Anyways, wish us luck avoiding pop and junky food tonight! (and don’t forget some for my book, too!)

Dig Deep, Fight Forward

Managed to be productive over the weekend. We finished the storage room (previously known as the small animal room), and are working on the linen closet now. I tidied the upstairs while Andrew slept, and he was pleasantly surprised.

However I failed myself already today. I swore last night I would wake up at 5 am, and I didn’t, I slept in. The late start has butchered my day. I had an hour round trip to make to get my one dog’s food (joys of feeding a prescription diet only available at a veterinarian clinic), and items to drop off at my parents, and brief grocery shopping to do, too.

This all meant I got home at 11 am, and my dogs got the latest breakfast ever. It means I had a very late start to a day I meant to be filled with energy and creativity. Instead I feel sapped of every ambition I ever had, and want to waste the rest of the day away.

I HATE feeling like that.

Forcing myself to sit at the computer is one thing. Actually writing something worthwhile is another. That’s the hardest pill for me to swallow at the moment.

The truth is I feel lost, and this blog post is simply a stream of consciousness.

I am unsure of what to post, and this fills the void in a rather lackluster way. I like the poems I write (some from imaginative places and some from the emotional truths of day to day life). I want to push past that which I’ve said before, but I’m stuck on how to do it.

Instead I post about knitting (I’ve started a baby cocoon now from soft rainbow/white yarn). I talk about baking with my mom, and other familial experiences. I have posted some artsy endeavours.

Why?

Because my life is random as hell and yet predictable, too.

The rut I’m in seems to be unending, and I look into my past to analyze all the other choices I could have made. I like to think I know where they would have taken me in life, but I don’t.

What I do know is, I need to find something that works, because I definitely love writing and want to do it for the rest of my life. The problem is, I struggle with my insecurities and the ‘normal’ life everyone around is living, the natural progression of their lives. The comparisons I constantly make about my life versus others is a waste of my (and your) time, too.

I need to find a way to work on my book, and shit getting done, too. Searching for distractions is slowing me down too much, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing day after day.

Good news though. Tomorrow is another day to make it happen. That doesn’t mean I don’t try and salvage what I can from what is left of today. It means I can pick myself up tomorrow and do what needs doing. It is in me after all.

Thanks for reading my rant, and maybe relating to elements of it. Any tips on what you do to overcome these moments are welcome.

Routine Has Run Amuck

I thought I was making progress, waking up at 5 am, but alas it does not seem to be the case. While I did not have a lazy weekend, I very much wanted to relax with my husband, and don’t feel I got a chance to at all.

That is why on Monday when he asked me if I thought he should call in sick (because of his right ankle still recovering from some random injury), I said yes. I needed/wanted that day with him, and I feel like it set me back a bit. We had a good talk about things, but I also took like twenty-three naps, and felt super lazy. I didn’t post a blog or work on my book.

When Tuesday rolled around, my body had to recover from all the sleep the day before or so it seemed. I managed to post a poem (pretty much about this stuff), but no work was done on my book. I didn’t clean the house, and I left assembling garbage and recycling until Andrew got home (something I usually do at the start of the day).

Now, it’s Wednesday and it’s just after noon. I wasted the morning away on a stupid show (Thanks, Netflix, you piece of shit!), and am just now sitting at my computer.

I don’t think I can begin to describe the frustration I feel with myself.

I want to get my book done, honestly, I really do. And yet…. while I work on it, I am in a realm of possibilities instead of certainties. At this point, I don’t know if my book will flop or be successful. It is that very thought that seems to be holding me back right now.

The other fact is, the longer I take to edit/write my book, the longer it will take to embark on the path of being published (be it self published or with the help of a literary agent). That part could take a long ass time on its own, and I need to keep fighting my way there even if my opponent is myself.

This time loop I seem to be in needs to end, and today, I am going to do just that!

I vow to wake up at 5 am tomorrow (and leave behind whatever delicious dreams I find myself in), and write! I will post a blog and I will get more work done on my chapters.

I will do this day after day. It is abundantly clear I can’t give myself weekends off, or latch on to lame excuses. My routine needs to be reestablished, and while today may be lost in terms of productivity, the week will not be!

It is important to acknowledge that we all take steps backwards from time to time, or halt our progress, but that is when we must turn to ourselves (and/or others) for the motivation to move forward! While it is important to take care of ourselves, sometimes pushing to the edge when it doesn’t seem possible is the best way to do it!

I hope you all manage to find it in yourselves to tackle the projects you’re working on!

Best of luck in your journey and don’t forget to share some of that luck with me (and others), too!

Being a writer is like having homework every night for the rest of your life. ~Lawrence Kasdan

Baking Soothes A Riled Soul

Yesterday I spent the day at my parents helping my mom back cupcakes. I got there around 9:30 am and was there til 10:30 pm. It was a day filled with sarcasm, laughter, love, and plenty of messes (especially towards the end).

The motto of the day, ‘I don’t care’, was sung and led to (partial) singing of I Love It by Icona Pop. If one of us asked a question, ‘I don’t care’ was sung in response, and led to some fun of its own. I think it kept us relaxed as we backed eleven dozen cupcakes.

Now, today is Superbowl 53 with the Patriots and Rams going head to head. (No, I don’t follow football or any sport at all, but my dad hosts a party every year with food, and so… what else need I know?) My brother and my future sister-in-law decided it would be a good cake testing time since my mom is making their cake. There will also be some bridal shower talk taking place with the mother of the bride.

She asked me to help, and of course I said yes. They won’t be told I helped, because they probably won’t eat the cupcakes if told. It was fun, but a lot of work as they were not traditional flavours. They were exotic, fruity, and alcoholic (and outside the typical box my mom and I bake in).

We made Triple Salted Caramel, Galatic (which involved Mars bars), Bourbon Cherry Chocolate, Carrot (weird flavour for a WEDDING cake, I think), Banana, Red Velvet, and Chocolate Covered Strawberries cupcakes. They each held their own challenges.

Carrot and Banana were easy to make. I’ve made Banana before (we used my recipe), but not Carrot. I dislike the flavour immensely. They turned out beautiful; nice roundness to the top, and with cream cheese icing, they’ll be delicious!

Red Velvet and Chocolate Covered Strawberry were the most annoying, because of the alternating of adding ingredients. They were also the last two we made and that could be why I found them annoying, too. I made a mess with the one, turning on my mom’s Kitchenaid Mixer to a high speed and sending flour everywhere by accident. Got us laughing though!

The Chocolate Covered Strawberry was tedious since the strawberries are dipped in chocolate and then chocolate is drizzled for adornment on to the strawberries. We also had to blend strawberries to put in the icing which tasted great, (good job, mom!), but they look amazing now.

Triple Salted Caramel and Galatic were fun and simple. Nothing beyond the normal there, and the Mars bars in the later recipe were probably a little heavy in the muffin tins. They melted and made everything gooey, which makes it horrible for a support cake.

The icing for the Triple Salted Caramel was good! I tasted it before the melted caramels were added, and it kind of took over the taste. You still got hints of the other flavours, but I would halve the caramels next time we make it. Thankfully my mom thought the same thing, but it is just a tasting, right?

The one I hated most to make though was the Bourbon Cherry Chocolate. It was ALL I COULD SMELL when making it. The bourbon was ridiculously strong, and I hope it baked off a bit. The icing also had bourbon in it, and it was all I could taste.

Now the reason I hated making the Bourbon Cherry Chocolate is I am not a drinker. In fact I can’t remember the last time I had anything alcoholic, and thus my tolerance is REALLY low. I can get drunk off a cooler or tanked off a shot of hard liquor. I don’t drink as a preference really which is enforced by having a family member who was an alcoholic til the day he died.

However my brother LOVES having a good drink, rum and coke style. In response, my mom pulled out a ton of recipes that called for alcohol, and he chose that one. I hope he likes it, but I definitely don’t want to help make 150 ones for their wedding.

I really needed the bake day with my mom, it helped re-energize me even if I am super sore today. (Literally can hear my feet screaming at me). Low energy has been a growing theme the past few days, and I’m still not back to my usual self, but I’m on my way there.

Before I forget, my word count was 398 for Friday. I got something on the page, but my appointment was at a weird time of day. It threw me off, and thankfully that will change in the next couple weeks. Instead of having an appointment every week, it will be once a month! Should speed things up!

Anyways, hope you all have a great day whether you’re watching the Superbowl, or enjoying your lives in other ways!

Something that you feel will finds its own form. ~ Jack Kerouac

P.S. I realize now I should have taken photos of the decorated cupcakes to show you guys! I will try and update it later with some!

 

Winter, Writing, and Shih Tzus

Winter is my favourite season of the year! I love shoveling and snow and snowball fights!

The only thing is, where I live, we have on and off years. For example, last year was very mild and snow did not stay for long. The year prior though we got a lot of snow, schools had snow days, and it seemed every other day brought more snow.

This year has brought the snow. December was nice and mild, but January is proving itself the winteriest month ever! It holds the champion belt, for sure.

So, I have been up since 5am (which is great despite its rarity) to do one thing and that’s shovel. I did our driveway and backyard with Andrew’s help, but it didn’t end there for me. I headed to me parents’ to see that the plow had done their street and I shoveled their driveway and backyard (cause I try to be their favourite daughter, and I’m winning, clearly!).

If, at this point, you’re wondering why we shovel our backyards, it is for a simple reason. We own shih tzus who don’t like anything higher than an inch to go outside to do their business in. I also own a beagle who needs the paths to stay a bit warmer while outside (they serve as wind breaks at their current height).

After that, I went to my brother and future sister-in-law’s house to shovel their driveway, and give them a break. They both work somewhat hectic hours, and don’t have a snowblower (as far as I know). They do have a friend with a plow end on his truck who helps them though, and that’s probably the luckiest thing for them.

Once that was done, I helped a neighbour of my parents who I babysat for years ago, and then headed home for food, drink, and a relaxing shower.

Thus, the late start to my writing for the day! I wanted to get more time in, but I am sure to feel pooched sooner than later.

Yesterday’s word count was 1,362 which equaled one chapter (editing it will come later). I was hoping to write more today, but winter seems to throw snow chunks into my gears. Fingers crossed I can do it anyways!

Hopefully none of you readers have to shovel (much, if at all), and are taking an easy on this fine yet chilly Tuesday!

 

 

Anxiety At My Writing Desk

Today’s the day!

I am going to be starting a new round of editing on my book, and I am super excited! Okay, that’s a lie. I’m scared.

Scared as hell.

I could barely get out of bed. All I could think was, “What if I can’t do it? What if I make it worse?” My anxiety on it had paralyzed me, and to be honest, it still has me a bit frozen, but here I am!

Are this post, I get to it, but I figured I would show you the Beast it will be edited on.

My.Writing.Desk.jpg

Two screens for writing and researching side by side! I’m sure you also recognize some of my tools of the trade, too.

The only thing missing, is my cork board pegged with info to reference. I will be putting that today, and getting straight to work!

Sorry for not posting yesterday as well. Andrew and I got to tidying the office (where the writing magic happens), and then did some overhauling downstairs.

Excuses come to me naturally when I am trying to postpone something that scares me or drives my anxiety through the roof. (Joys of Generalized Anxiety Disorder). However I am using my anxious nature to my benefit today whether it wants me to or not.

We are also waiting on 10 to 15 cm of snow to shovel, so best get to it before I feel the need to go deal with that!

August 2017

It was a big day
But in a little way.
The end of my two weeks
Which was less than bleak.
I left that job
Feeling more than just a glob.
Unsure of what lay ahead
Yet I was not filled with dread.
Instead I felt hope anew
My footsteps led me far and true.
I stumbled upon my purpose,
And it was time to get down to business.
 
I had had a dream,
Filled with danger and fun.
I told my husband, my mother,
And they were quite stunned.
It spun into an idea
A book written by me,
In which a girl named Vivian
Fought hard just to be free.
 
I am still on that adventure,
Editting, revising Vivian’s tale.
It consumed me through and through,
And I refuse to fail.

A Sad Face

For the past few days, I have been obsessed with drawing a pair of interesting eyes, and the other day I toyed around a bit. I love my eye (minus the eyelashes), and I gave it a home on a female face. Lips, nose, hair, the lot.

Now it isn’t finished. I am probably going to keep playing around with it, maybe add colour. Ultimately I don’t know exactly what its final form will be, but I know I will enjoy getting it there.

A.Sad.Face.jpg

I am sure my proportions are off, but I’m trying. That’s gotta count for something, right?

Along side this, I am trying to figure out a logo for my blog, which I am thinking will include water colours.

Still writing though I need to grow in that arena, somehow. Take a step back from poems, and try a short story? Or something. We’ll see where my mind takes me.

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default. ~ J. K. Rowling

 

P.S. While I am still reading A Game of Thrones, I have picked up a self-help book (yeah, I know) called The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Andrew said I needed it, and I guess we’ll see if he’s right.

Family Time = Fight Time?

On Friday, my husband and I spent the evening at my parents with my sister, brother, and future sister-in-law. The typical turkey dinner was prepared, and gifts were exchanged by the Christmas tree. It was rather enjoyable, and I hope we can keep it up year after year.

My immediate family does not typically have time to get together like that around the holidays. My brother has a job which can require him to work all seven days of the week, and varying hours. His fiancée helps manage a retail store, and her hours range as a result. My sister is in university, and works part time on the weekend. My mom is always off Sundays, but can work Saturdays. My dad and my husband are usually off on the weekends, provided there’s no overtime or last minute work to do. (I have a ton of ‘free’ time, so I am never the issue for scheduling.)

Add that in with the dislike siblings have for each other, and magic just seems to happen, doesn’t it?

I have an amazing relationship with my sister though. We have ups and downs, but in general we get one another and don’t mind hanging out just the two of us. In fact we often help each other out in rougher situations. It is nice we got over that rough patch all siblings seem to have.

However my brother and I don’t have a great relationship as of yet. When they moved, I helped out. I lent them our fake Christmas tree and some lights to have some holiday joy in their house. I try my damnedest not to annoy him or send him on a war path. I slip up every now and then, but I try. He just doesn’t get me quite yet or doesn’t care. Hard to say.

While I am 5-6 years apart in age from my sister, I am only 1 year and 10 months apart from my brother. I am also the older one, and ultimately we ended up a grade apart through school. I believe the closeness of our age is one of the biggest reasons we don’t get along. His friends are around our age, and don’t mind me at all, too. (Doesn’t help that I am on the weirder side of the scale.)

Anyways I went into our immediate family’s Christmas full of anxiety about messing it up, and starting a fight by accident. Thankfully it didn’t happen, but if I tried to tease my brother or offer help, he became defensive. It was hard to enjoy all of us being together when he seemed to go for blood with his verbal attacks.

He tends to insult what I am doing with my life, (no respect for the arts), or my house (which I maintain almost entirely by myself). These are obviously sore spots for me since (like every other writer, I’m sure), I doubt my life choice from time to time, and struggle with the burden it puts on my husband. Plus, I was raised to care about how others perceive me, and to keep a super clean/maintained house on all fronts.

Thus his barbed comments sting, and I try to brush them off, but… Deep down, it kills me that he refuses to see the truth of things, or ignores it. He also doesn’t seem to care how our ‘fights’ hurt our parents. I am told one day it will change, but it sure feels like it won’t right now.

Anyways, I know every family has their struggles, and not everyone will always get along within one. Just remember to pick your battles, and the time and place where they will be. It can be tough, but it typically works out for the better.

I gave my brother a Christmas card with a personally note from me. I’ll admit it was passive aggressive, but I hope it is whittling down whatever his issues are with me bit by bit.