Argument, Writing, Revising

3, 062 words I have written today! Super happy about that, I must admit! However… I am only kinda following my writing schedule so far. There was a good chance it would have to adapt, and maybe that is all it is, but wrinkles were thrown into my plans despite my hopes.

To start with, last night I had an argument with my husband that left me emotionally drained. I hate feeling I have failed someone, one way or the other, and I am disappointing him AND myself. We both want kids, a better house, but it is tough to do when he is the only one bringing money in.

It was selfish of me to quit my job and start writing (which I was reminded is almost two years ago). It is a dream though, and sometimes… we answer them in less than opportune ways. That being said, we aren’t struggling financially, we’re doing fine (mostly), but we aren’t able to put money into this house to fix it up. That makes it difficult to move. It also makes it difficult to even plan on having a child. Both are goals for us and I feel like I’m not doing my part.

However this was the fire I needed under my ass. I have been avoiding working on my book, because I am afraid to fail. I am afraid it won’t go anywhere whether it is published traditional or I do it myself (tips on self publishing are welcome). I am afraid I made a super selfish decision that is hurting someone other than me for a dream that might never happen.

You can want a dream all you want, but it requires time and effort… along with some luck. I haven’t been putting in the time or effort, because pausing is easier than full steam ahead into failure.

But this argument is pushing me to get it done, because I need it to be done and out there just as much as my husband does. It may not bring in any money, but I put something I created out there and that matters, too. Right? I guess we’ll see.

Anyways, back to my writing schedule. I woke up at 4 am  which is step one. Buuuttttt…. it was to find my husband asleep in the office where I work. He has sleep apnea, doesn’t use his machine, so I felt bad waking him up. I fooled around for the next hour before he got up and I helped him get ready a lunch for work.

I didn’t feed the dogs like I should have until after, but I did eat, followed my morning routine, and played my apps on my cellphone (lame, I know). It was about 5:30am when husband left, but I didn’t feel I had time to exercise so I went right to writing and skipped the hour and a half I was supposed to read (whoops).

After that I ended up having lunch earlier than planned since my breakfast was small and I didn’t have a snack. I am at least in the section of the day where I am writing and blogging (from 10 am to noon as scheduled).

As much as I should read next, I probably won’t, because I am playing catch-up on my book which I had hoped to finish months ago. I don’t have a good excuse. I suck. I know, but I’m working on it now. That should count, right?

I initially had it written in that 1:50pm to 2:30pm would be relax with Andrew by watching an episode of something, but he has a doctor’s appointment. I’m hoping to get even more writing/editing/revising/etc done before then.

Hell, I’ll probably try to keep working while he watches whatever. That is how motivated I feel, but I know that spells burnout or an episode of hypo-mania. We’ll see how the evening plays out.

Tomorrow I am hoping to follow my writing schedule much more literally, but at least it looks like it could work for me… after some potential time management shifts.

Oh and here’s a quote to hopeful inspire, motivate, or move you to chase that dream of writing!

 

A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit. ~ Richard Bach

 

P.S. Seriously. I welcome any tips concerning getting published be it traditional or self. Links, input, advice. I live for it!

Dig Deep, Fight Forward

Managed to be productive over the weekend. We finished the storage room (previously known as the small animal room), and are working on the linen closet now. I tidied the upstairs while Andrew slept, and he was pleasantly surprised.

However I failed myself already today. I swore last night I would wake up at 5 am, and I didn’t, I slept in. The late start has butchered my day. I had an hour round trip to make to get my one dog’s food (joys of feeding a prescription diet only available at a veterinarian clinic), and items to drop off at my parents, and brief grocery shopping to do, too.

This all meant I got home at 11 am, and my dogs got the latest breakfast ever. It means I had a very late start to a day I meant to be filled with energy and creativity. Instead I feel sapped of every ambition I ever had, and want to waste the rest of the day away.

I HATE feeling like that.

Forcing myself to sit at the computer is one thing. Actually writing something worthwhile is another. That’s the hardest pill for me to swallow at the moment.

The truth is I feel lost, and this blog post is simply a stream of consciousness.

I am unsure of what to post, and this fills the void in a rather lackluster way. I like the poems I write (some from imaginative places and some from the emotional truths of day to day life). I want to push past that which I’ve said before, but I’m stuck on how to do it.

Instead I post about knitting (I’ve started a baby cocoon now from soft rainbow/white yarn). I talk about baking with my mom, and other familial experiences. I have posted some artsy endeavours.

Why?

Because my life is random as hell and yet predictable, too.

The rut I’m in seems to be unending, and I look into my past to analyze all the other choices I could have made. I like to think I know where they would have taken me in life, but I don’t.

What I do know is, I need to find something that works, because I definitely love writing and want to do it for the rest of my life. The problem is, I struggle with my insecurities and the ‘normal’ life everyone around is living, the natural progression of their lives. The comparisons I constantly make about my life versus others is a waste of my (and your) time, too.

I need to find a way to work on my book, and shit getting done, too. Searching for distractions is slowing me down too much, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing day after day.

Good news though. Tomorrow is another day to make it happen. That doesn’t mean I don’t try and salvage what I can from what is left of today. It means I can pick myself up tomorrow and do what needs doing. It is in me after all.

Thanks for reading my rant, and maybe relating to elements of it. Any tips on what you do to overcome these moments are welcome.