Stuck In a Rut

Sorry for the lack of posts over the past couple days. I spent yesterday helping my mom finish engraving the wine glasses for the bridal shower. It is good to have that off my shoulders now, and I hope they like them.

I ate more junk food yesterday than I normally do, and am coming off of a sugar high. To be honest, I don’t understand why I drink pop or eat sugary foods when I know it will take my body a few days to get back to normal. Instead of giving me energy, it depletes me, and I end up with the groggiest mind.

But your body ends up craving it and I get super irritable trying to cut it out though I’m trying. It doesn’t do me any good aside from a very temporary sense of happiness, and that in itself harms any chance of long term happiness I want.

Anyways, the real reason I am posting today is I am trying to look into new forms of poems to write. I want to challenge how I usually create a poem and find something new along the way. Hopefully it will help me keep my brain functioning and motivate me, too.

My book has not been touched since I last posted it, and that upsets me. I also feel like my posts are very last minute on here, and I want to change that. Obviously I’m in a bit of a rut and I’m going to do my damnedest to get out it!

 

Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

Shopping, Talking, and Creating

Today has been a very productive day in my books, and a decent one for my mood too. My mom invited me to help her shop for her Mother of the Groom dress and my future sister-in-law, Emily, was able to tag along. It was fun!

After trying on what felt like a dozen dresses, my mom was torn between three and that shrunk to two. It created a bit of a numbers war with 4 of us liking the one and 3 liking the other. Thankfully, I was able to give my mom an awesome speech (to push her to buy the dress she loved instead of the one my dad thought looked best) and it ended quite happy.

We got back to the house to see my dad and my husband, Andrew, had not started on the Punch A Cup game for my brother and future sister-in-law’s stag and doe (which happens to be two weeks away). They made a measurement mistake in two places, but I saved the day by proposing a solution.  (Tooting my own horn a little bit for which I apologize). The game needs a couple coats of paint, and then we will be cutting tissue to match.

While my husband worked on drilling the holes for that and my dad kept cleaning, my mom and I engraved glasses. Got another dozen done and only have 18 more to go! I am hoping we’ll get them done this Monday.

Emily told me she managed to get her wedding invites out and I know bridal shower invites have gone out too. It is so exciting waiting for mail! My only issue… I am still undecided on whether I want to attend their wedding. I don’t feel like they really want me there, but I don’t want to cause another fight by declining (even if I think I’m doing what they want me to do).

It isn’t my wedding, but it is nice to help my parents’ and family do these kind of things. Creativity is addictive, y’know?

 

 

Background Noise

I feel like I am a part of the background, barely making noise, and invisible. I’m not a primary thought for anyone, including myself, and sometimes I love that. Not today though.

I’m cleaning the upstairs of my house to keep my husband from having to help me do it over the weekend. Chances are, he still will since I hate vacuuming and steam mopping back to back. The thing is, I have to prompt him into noticing it more often than not. It would mean the world if he would comment on these things before I made him, but he is not that kind of man.

Tonight, I wanted him and I to have a date night, but all of sudden, I don’t want to. I don’t feel feminine enough, attractive enough, or worth enough to enter the public arena today. Even if I put on one of my nice bras, a flattering shirt, and a pair of good pants, it feels fake.

And that is why most of the time I love being a part of the background. Except for when I want to feel a part of something, anything. I want to feel eyes on me, and I guess that comes across as self-centered, but I don’t think it is. I just want to be acknowledged as someone.

I want to be put first, because I try and put everyone ahead of me in an attempt to prove myself. I jump at the opportunity to help others, to ease their burdens, and yet I feel alone when it comes to my own. I feel guilty when I do try and lean on someone else, like I’m selfish for needing a hand when they have their own battles.

Maybe it is the wonderful PMS talking, and this feeling will vanish in a couple days. It’ll return though. It always does. But I just want to be a priority to someone.

Is that so bad?

 

 

Back To My Normal, almost

Bed was comfortable this morning. I cocooned myself in the blanket, my dogs were cuddled in, but I managed to pull myself from it to start the day.

I definitely have more energy (after playing some Hyrule Warriors), and I managed to shovel our driveway. Even my neighbour (who called the cops on us about snow removal) didn’t trigger me when she came outside while I was still out there. In fact, had we made eye contact, I probably would have given her a genuine smile and wave. I do feel she was trying to get a reaction from me, but I’m proud for not letting her bug me.

To accomplish that, I have started saying “She doesn’t matter” when I walk past the windows that face her house or have a thought about her. I only started yesterday, but it seems to be working!

Anyways, I am hoping to actually revise my book a little bit more tomorrow with this newfound energy. Fingers crossed it lasts! Just have to remind myself that this emotional state is temporary (though it never feels it when you’re in it), and to do what I can. I push myself when I need to, but I try to be gentle, too.

Maybe I’ll even fold clothes later today?

 

Awake, Kinda

I woke up today in one of the worst mental states I have ever had. Every part of me told me to go back to sleep, dream away the days and nights to come. I wasn’t able to do that thanks to a shih tzu who enjoys barking way too much.

Once up, for me, it can be tough to go back to bed and my husband offered to take the rest of the week off so that I wasn’t alone. That’s how off my moods have been for the both of us, but I told him not to, that I’d be fine.

I feel more human right now, but it is probably temporary. My body is tired as is my mind. I can feel that, but I am functioning more today than the past couple days.

Today is a down day, still, but I’m hoping I’m moving in the right direction from here.

My trick to keeping sane right now…. Playing video games (Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition). I play by myself, but I have more fun when my husband plays the game with me. It forces me out of my mind, so I am periodically indulging the distraction.

It is early afternoon, and maybe I will  manage to get something else done today (like folding laundry). If not, that’s how it was supposed to be today and I can be okay with that, for once.

I forgive myself for not being productive right now, because my mind and body have something they’re trying to get past (don’t know exactly what it is). My self-care for now is giving myself space to get ‘happy’ or ‘energized’. It won’t happen overnight.

Don’t forget to acknowledge your own moods from time to time and give yourself space to be in that place. Take care of yourselves.

Continued

And the energy to be productive was nowhere to be seen today. I barely slept, or so it felt. Nyx, my tortoise coloured cat, is an eye witness to the tossing and turning.

Windstorm probably didn’t help, because it added the need to wake up early to put garbage out for pickup. Same with recycling. Our bins decided to fly half way down the street and required fetching, too.

Husband stayed home and has sorted papers (the ones I couldn’t help with). Makes me feel even more useless and worthless.

My mom is feeling sick so no helping her engrave more wine glasses today.

I ultimately feel like a husk that bounces back and forth between somewhat sane and happy to feeling worthless and wanting to sleep, Wish it would stop. I know at some point I am just going to have to push through it, but that didn’t happen today.

To be honest, the thought of trying to get past this makes me want to cry. I just don’t have it in me right now for whatever reason. I don’t even know what really triggered this sudden shift in moods.

All I know, I look around and am surrounding by continuing evidence that I am worthless and have nothing to offer.

Fingers crossed I snap out of it tomorrow.

 

P.S. Sorry for the back to back hopeless topic kind of posts. It helps a little to put it into words.

Absent

Not going to lie, I feel absent from my own life, if that makes any sense. I wake up, go about the day, and yet it feels void of meaning. Hoping tomorrow, this feeling is somehow banished from existence.

In the meantime, I’m helping my mom engrave wine glasses as a bridal shower gift for my future sister-in-law.

[Current energy= restlessness X anxiety X defeated mentality]

Here’s hoping tomorrow is actually a new day where I have motivated energy to do what needs doing.

Again With The Lies

Sharp little nails I sleep on at night.
Each a regret, a nightmare, a lie.
 
Toss and turn on this prickly bed.
No comfort when doubt lives.
 
I push back, I fail,
Relapse into old patterns.
 
Rebellion has yet to set me free.
Caged by painful repetition.
 
Success is a bird that soars.
Failure the chain buried in the ground.
 
Darkness tugs on tired eyes.
“Maybe tomorrow.”
 
Again with the lies.