Its hand creep and crawl
like warped vines.
Its touch tarnishes and taints
like nails on a chalkboard.
Vile like stomach bile,
Its hold on another one
of those I love.
Is there anything
it won’t take?
Cancer’s game is destruction.
Barbed wire around organs
constricted and stabbed
Lungs riddled with it.
Every breath a growing burn.
I yearn to ease his pain
and pray peace
finds him in sleep.
Can’t take another punch today
I wish this pain would go away
Another kick will lay me low
And put my heart through another go
No will to rise up and stand
Rather the Darkness holds my hand
I know well its bitter touch
And yet this world’s become too much
So as I lay down to sleep
I hope my soul, it will keep
For if tomorrow waits my gaze
I’ll welcome its numbing ways.
Can’t stay still, can’t be bored, can’t close your eyes.
Keep moving, keep doing, keep producing.
Sleep is for the lazy, best chase your prize.
Ignore the slowing of time, keep trying.
When sun runs out, the moon will be rising.
Keep scratching that itch and hope it will pass.
Fill the void, the hours, with task after task.
Wish to God you could sit, relax, and breathe.
But there’s plenty to do, get off your ass.
No break from its hold, forget a reprieve.
P.S. I have started revising my book again. Guess this restlessness or anxiety can be good for something after all. I try and force myself to take breaks anyways, because they are necessary.
P.S.S. Take care of yourselves!
I woke up today in one of the worst mental states I have ever had. Every part of me told me to go back to sleep, dream away the days and nights to come. I wasn’t able to do that thanks to a shih tzu who enjoys barking way too much.
Once up, for me, it can be tough to go back to bed and my husband offered to take the rest of the week off so that I wasn’t alone. That’s how off my moods have been for the both of us, but I told him not to, that I’d be fine.
I feel more human right now, but it is probably temporary. My body is tired as is my mind. I can feel that, but I am functioning more today than the past couple days.
Today is a down day, still, but I’m hoping I’m moving in the right direction from here.
My trick to keeping sane right now…. Playing video games (Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition). I play by myself, but I have more fun when my husband plays the game with me. It forces me out of my mind, so I am periodically indulging the distraction.
It is early afternoon, and maybe I will manage to get something else done today (like folding laundry). If not, that’s how it was supposed to be today and I can be okay with that, for once.
I forgive myself for not being productive right now, because my mind and body have something they’re trying to get past (don’t know exactly what it is). My self-care for now is giving myself space to get ‘happy’ or ‘energized’. It won’t happen overnight.
Don’t forget to acknowledge your own moods from time to time and give yourself space to be in that place. Take care of yourselves.
Coldness coiled tightly
Deeper than deep.
Shivering into vacant space
Lost on the edge
Wrapped in lies
Wrapped in truths.
What to do?
Warmth flees the body
Shards of ice
Poke, prod, tear.
Surrendering to it
This internal winter
Not an option.
The Soul’s a spirit
Willing to slip.
Can’t let it.
What to do?
Sleep for now.