I feel like I am a part of the background, barely making noise, and invisible. I’m not a primary thought for anyone, including myself, and sometimes I love that. Not today though.
I’m cleaning the upstairs of my house to keep my husband from having to help me do it over the weekend. Chances are, he still will since I hate vacuuming and steam mopping back to back. The thing is, I have to prompt him into noticing it more often than not. It would mean the world if he would comment on these things before I made him, but he is not that kind of man.
Tonight, I wanted him and I to have a date night, but all of sudden, I don’t want to. I don’t feel feminine enough, attractive enough, or worth enough to enter the public arena today. Even if I put on one of my nice bras, a flattering shirt, and a pair of good pants, it feels fake.
And that is why most of the time I love being a part of the background. Except for when I want to feel a part of something, anything. I want to feel eyes on me, and I guess that comes across as self-centered, but I don’t think it is. I just want to be acknowledged as someone.
I want to be put first, because I try and put everyone ahead of me in an attempt to prove myself. I jump at the opportunity to help others, to ease their burdens, and yet I feel alone when it comes to my own. I feel guilty when I do try and lean on someone else, like I’m selfish for needing a hand when they have their own battles.
Maybe it is the wonderful PMS talking, and this feeling will vanish in a couple days. It’ll return though. It always does. But I just want to be a priority to someone.
Is that so bad?