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Family Time = Fight Time?

On Friday, my husband and I spent the evening at my parents with my sister, brother, and future sister-in-law. The typical turkey dinner was prepared, and gifts were exchanged by the Christmas tree. It was rather enjoyable, and I hope we can keep it up year after year.

My immediate family does not typically have time to get together like that around the holidays. My brother has a job which can require him to work all seven days of the week, and varying hours. His fiancée helps manage a retail store, and her hours range as a result. My sister is in university, and works part time on the weekend. My mom is always off Sundays, but can work Saturdays. My dad and my husband are usually off on the weekends, provided there’s no overtime or last minute work to do. (I have a ton of ‘free’ time, so I am never the issue for scheduling.)

Add that in with the dislike siblings have for each other, and magic just seems to happen, doesn’t it?

I have an amazing relationship with my sister though. We have ups and downs, but in general we get one another and don’t mind hanging out just the two of us. In fact we often help each other out in rougher situations. It is nice we got over that rough patch all siblings seem to have.

However my brother and I don’t have a great relationship as of yet. When they moved, I helped out. I lent them our fake Christmas tree and some lights to have some holiday joy in their house. I try my damnedest not to annoy him or send him on a war path. I slip up every now and then, but I try. He just doesn’t get me quite yet or doesn’t care. Hard to say.

While I am 5-6 years apart in age from my sister, I am only 1 year and 10 months apart from my brother. I am also the older one, and ultimately we ended up a grade apart through school. I believe the closeness of our age is one of the biggest reasons we don’t get along. His friends are around our age, and don’t mind me at all, too. (Doesn’t help that I am on the weirder side of the scale.)

Anyways I went into our immediate family’s Christmas full of anxiety about messing it up, and starting a fight by accident. Thankfully it didn’t happen, but if I tried to tease my brother or offer help, he became defensive. It was hard to enjoy all of us being together when he seemed to go for blood with his verbal attacks.

He tends to insult what I am doing with my life, (no respect for the arts), or my house (which I maintain almost entirely by myself). These are obviously sore spots for me since (like every other writer, I’m sure), I doubt my life choice from time to time, and struggle with the burden it puts on my husband. Plus, I was raised to care about how others perceive me, and to keep a super clean/maintained house on all fronts.

Thus his barbed comments sting, and I try to brush them off, but… Deep down, it kills me that he refuses to see the truth of things, or ignores it. He also doesn’t seem to care how our ‘fights’ hurt our parents. I am told one day it will change, but it sure feels like it won’t right now.

Anyways, I know every family has their struggles, and not everyone will always get along within one. Just remember to pick your battles, and the time and place where they will be. It can be tough, but it typically works out for the better.

I gave my brother a Christmas card with a personally note from me. I’ll admit it was passive aggressive, but I hope it is whittling down whatever his issues are with me bit by bit.

 

 

 

The Poet

The Poet inside

Suffocates

and their words struggle for Freedom.

Freedom from their cage

the one of Propriety

the one of Lies.

the Poet inside

Suffocates

and their hearts forever cry

within a soulful body,

Forever in search of sharing.

Sharing what we’ve all forgotten.

The one thing we all value.

TRUTH

 

Books are mirrors: you only see in them what you already have inside you.     ~Carlos Ruiz Zafón

Winter’s Bark

Paw prints decorate the snow,

Telling tales in winter’s glow,

Of their runs in bitter fluff,

Proving they are made of tougher stuff.

Dogs may shiver at the door,

Yet still they wish to play some more,

Chasing snowballs in the cold,

And barking, if they be so bold.

I wield my shovel to make a path,

So even tiny shih tzus,

May avoid a frozen bath.snowy.maze.jpg

Wrote this to commemorate another year of shovelling the backyard for my two dogs, Jasper the Shih Tzu and Raven the beagle. Raven freezes despite a sweater and coat, and refuses to wear any sort of bootie. Jasper will bark for days outside until we fetch him in, tired of waiting. You would think in the middle of winter, there’s not much to sniff at, but they find something or other. [Jasper on the left, Raven on the right]

Claw Back

Here I am – again – sitting in my computer chair, and feeling the need to write something. Part of me screams it should be soul changing. Another shouts it should be real and personal. And yet another voice joins the choir, albeit quietly.

That quiet voice is the one I am listening to, at least today.

It tells me it doesn’t matter what I type as long as I am typing something. Whether it will grab an audience or connect with only me… It will serve its purpose in pushing me to write. That is all I can ask for right now.

Sadly, my energy does not meet the requirements of the other voices in my mind, and so that epic tale will wait for another day. However I am hoping to start posting my musings into the realm of poetry later this month, maybe alongside some attempts at short stories.

I would like to query more literary agents, but have added a few individuals into my test group, and will be waiting for their comments on my book. Maybe my manuscript needs another go with the fat trimmer and polisher. Time will tell on that score, and I will move forward from there. Then, perhaps, my inner guilt will slumber once more.

There is one person I must thank for the time being, and that is my husband. He has been very supportive of me and my dream. I just feel he is growing more and more impatient about it. Can’t say I blame him, but I am not ready to give up just yet, (or at all). I may struggle with my insecurities and doubts, and yet… there is some will and strength inside to grab onto tightly.

All of us have power, waiting to be turned on and utilized. Instead, maybe we all just need to flip the switch for ourselves?

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day: ‘I will try again tomorrow.’  ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

 

Time to Feed the Fire

Hello there!

I am new to this whole blogging thing, but I am sure I will figure it out with time. Fingers crossed! So let me explain why I am here doing this today…

On August 6th, 2017, I made a decision to leave my part time job, and pursue a dream of mine… Writing a book. I have always enjoyed putting words together, be it poems or other little things. there is a magic to creating word art (as I call it), and having it connect deeply with a reader. With that in mind, I put all my energy into the task, stumbled face first into my book idea, and began full force.

I wrote every day. Sometimes I sat at the computer for a couple hours, and other days… you couldn’t pull me from the keyboard at all! It was an ember I fanned into an all consuming flame, and with no doubt about it, too. I WANT(ED) this like nothing else in my life.

However, I stumbled. When I finished it, editing and all, little did I know the next step would be the most testing. It was time to find a literary agent willing to represent, and ultimately, fight for my book and I. While I am still on this step, and may have been too laid back when first encountering this obstacle, I will continue to fight to have my book represented, and eventually published.

This blog will be my way of putting wood back on the fire. I won’t always write about my endeavors with my manuscript, but I will write about something.

Wish me luck!

P.S. Please comment any books you felt captured you fully, or made a difference in your life. Part of becoming a better writer is becoming a better reader!

The more you read, the more you will write. The better the stuff you read, the better the stuff you will write. ~Annie Dillard